Cliff hanger

A PARTICULARLY glum-looking chap was seen accompanying his loved one to the Cliff Richard (right) concert at the Edinburgh Castle esplanade at the weekend. Perhaps he had lost a bet or something. As he gloomily sank into his seat, he watched dolefully as Cliff came on to a screaming sea of women and began outlining his years in showbiz. Cliff maintained that if there had never been an Elvis, there would never have been a Cliff. As the ladies in the audience shrieked back that ''oh yes there would'', our lone chap could be heard muttering: ''Never thought

I would have had a reason to

shoot Elvis.''

Sleep on it

FORMER television reporter Alan Douglas is now a partner in The Broadcasting Business whose large logo of two capital Bs adorns their offices at Dumbreck on the doorstep of Pollok Park. Working late one night he was interrupted by two strangers on the doorstep who asked: ''You have rooms, ja?'' After confirming that they did have rooms, but full of desks and computers rather than beds, he redirected the tourists to some nearby guest houses. Only later

did it dawn on him that the two Bs for Broadcasting Business were acting as a beacon for bed and breakfast seekers.

Hacked off

A STORY being told in Greenock, says reader Les Mathieson, is of a local taxi

driver sent to pick up from one of the increasing number of cruise liners which stop at the Clyde port these days. The driver's head is already full of lucrative trips to Edinburgh or Stirling or whatever when he is met by a chap wearing a stetson and cowboy boots who asks the cabby if he knows the bonny banks of Loch Lomond. Kerching! thinks the driver. That's a nice day's touring with a fat tip at the end of it. But his dreams were shattered by the chap who adds: ''Whistle it for me as you take me to the Celtic club.''

It appears the Yank was a

local lad working on the liner who had always wanted to try his gag on a Greenock taxi driver.

No extra charge

READER Marian Weir of Ayrshire is very impressed with the Budget hire car website which states under its Bournemouth Airport branch: ''Office hours are 24hrs, seven days a week. If you would like a rental outside of these hours we will be glad to assist just call the number below.''

Now that's what she calls service.

Wherefore art thou?

WRITER Ian Stephen came up with the idea of Romeo and Juliet being produced as a show which has to be chopped and changed at the last minute because most

of the cast are missing. It is

called Romeo and Juliet In

Pieces and will be performed by Active Shakespeare during the Edinburgh Fringe at the

C Too venue.

It was, of course, tempting fate as in just two days one cast member has quit for family reasons, and the leading man has to leave as he has landed a role in Channel 5's Family Affairs.

Actor David Barber, who plays Capulet, tells us that the

company already has a mannequin playing the role of Paris. ''Now we need to find not one but two new performers - hopefully a little less wooden - to complete the cast.''

A do to die for

BALLOONS and doves will

be on hand for Leith funeral director McKenzie & Millar's

open day next Sunday. The

doves will be released to show how you can make a funeral more personal. The balloons will have messages to loved ones tied

to them for release to the skies.

In addition, each visitor will be entered into a raffle to win a chauffeur-driven trip by limousine - fortunately not to your own funeral but to a local hotel for a meal for two.

Well, that should quieten the detractors who say there is little to do in Leith now that the ladies of the night have been moved on by the area's gentrification.

One jump ahead

Jim Buchan tries to convince us that when the carcass of a marsupial was found on a

road on Islay it naturally

became the topic of discussion

in a local pub where an old

regular piped up: ''I hear they found a dead kangaroo on the road.'' A young smart alec corrected him: ''No, you're wrong Angus, it wasn't a kangaroo . . . wallaby.''

''Oh, that's very kind of you, I'll chust have a large malt, thank you,'' says Angus.

The Diary can be contacted at

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Fax: 0141 302 7272

Tel: 0141 302 7055/6